Tuesday, 12 September 2017

Calorific Crime Scene

It was a Crime Scene Investigator's Nirvana, Christmas and Hanukkah all rolled into one.   every whorl, loop and arch delineated in a sticky  melange revealing the secret sins of the protagonist.  no alibi, defence or pretext could exonerate the guilty party in the face of such damning fingerprint evidence.   Dr. Black with candlestick in drawing room?   Miss Scarlet with gun in ballroom?   Reverend Mustard with lead pipe in study?   Nooooo.... jeni with tablet in kitchen !!!   

The remnants of every sticky, tacky nibble splodged onto the screen illustrated the true origin of a recent half stone weight gain.   no tummy tightening or bum bracing would survive a half hour interrogation in the light of those pesky prints, each one testament to a momentary weakening of calorific resolve.   of course a gentle rub with a soft cloth and a couple of weeks of judicious eating would sort the problem easily, though sadly not permanently, and nobody would be any the wiser. 
Later, snugged up on the sofa watching the last episode of Orphan Black and relating to it's themes of dereliction and redemption, whilst absent-mindedly erasing all evidence of surreptitious snacking from the screen with a fluffy yellow duster, i found myself lamenting the unsavoury fact that life's indiscretions can't be so easily washed away with a J Cloth  and spray cleaner with all misdeeds forgiven and forgotten like in the movies.  sadly, murky real life leaves tenacious stains that continue to adhere long after the event and no amount of scrubbing can totally erase the heritage of our transgressions.   

I can't be the only one who wakes in the night with heart hammering dismay as scenes from the past play back in full technicolour, refusing to lie down and sleep, reminding me of every ill spoken word, heartless deed and abject failure as a parent, friend, human being.  it seems impossible to silence the voices when their accusations are valid and the fallout of the past is still manifest today. i wasted too many years when younger trying to run from the less honourable episodes of my life, burying them as deep as possible, locking them away but finding no key to keep them quiescent.   not erased, simply hidden.

All that can be done with yesterday's demons is, like my manky tablet, hold them up to the light, expose them, confess them, own them and make a commitment to do better in future.   those murky, cosmic finger marks must be illuminated, without justification, before any absolution can be forthcoming.    in the same way those extra pounds laid down by unwise nibbling wont magically disappear unless i make dietary changes, or the screen of my Acer wont stay shiny without hand washing and regular cleaning, the failures of the past can only be expunged by making better choices in the future and hoping for forgiveness from those affected.  


Kathy said...

You're right about "the fallout of the past" - I think this is what the Bible means by the sins of the parents being visited on the children and grandchildren. But (and I know I'm not correcting you here), there can be freedom from the gnawing guilt that gives you no rest: we don't have to be weighed down by it or depressed by it. David got it right when he said "Against you (God) have I sinned, and done what was evil in your sight", and for a Christian, confessing it to God and being assured of his forgiveness brings huge relief. Also we can then hand the whole mess over to him and ask him to work in it for good, which he is able to do in everything. He doesn't erase the fallout of the past, but he can make positive things happen out of it, even if we find it hard to conceive that's possible.

Anonymous said...

You dealt with this so gently. Our misdeeds can really haunt. My comment is just more agreement with you and Kathy. I have just been thinking about this theme this week, and in the end, I find it chimes with not 'don't worry, be happy,
but instead, like you guys said,
Don't worry, turn to God, and put all the energy from the worry into prayer, trusting not in our own inspiration (we know that didn't work!) but trusting God I think.
It's in this song that I love:
Just use the energy.

brokenbutstillstanding62 said...

thank you. is that jackie jackie?

brokenbutstillstanding62 said...

thanks kathy. i love that we can choose to turn the worst into something better, it is a choice though.

Anonymous said...

Jeni. All too familiar I fear, in fact just reading this post sent the mind worms scurrying down to drag a juicy morsel or two from the depths. But at least we have a conscience and can acknowledge that we have done wrong and try to make amends. And if we can't put things right, hopefully we learn and do better next time. You're right of course, it's all about choices. E