The Fundament Of The Apocolypse

There's panic in Hexham !!!  Rioting on the cobbles, the locals are barricading themselves into the cathedral praying for succour.   The Philosophical Society is running courses on surviving the apocalypse, watch towers armed with M16s have been mounted on the bridge and passport control installed.  Parks and playing fields overnight sprouted veg for all and exhortations to dig for Covid 19 are blasting from van mounted loudspeakers.  Before the sun sets there will be running battles over barbed wire barricades to keep the infected barbarian hoards out of the town and reroute them to Corbridge. Police have received reports that Typhoid Mary has been spotted either squatting in Beales, building a shelter in the bandstand or selling black market goods in the market square. Rumour spreading on the local Facebook page is that government is offering a bounty of £1000  for any crusty found on the street who will be summarily stood against a wall and shot.  

Why such mayhem you ask??  Tesco has run out of toilet roll!!  Yep the social media-sphere is spouting dire predictions overtime about the end of civilisation as we know it.  Rationing will be imposed of one sheet per movement... and no, i'm not talking orchestral.   The foundation of British Values is under threat, The Fundament of our nation is in peril, the Seat Of Kings once flush with pomp could disappear down the pan of panic.

What i don't understand is why toilet roll?  Pet food i totally grasp since there would be no hesitation on the part of our furries to consume us in the night if yummies weren't provided on demand several times a day. Lemsip in abundance makes sense as does chocolate, nobody should be asked to face annihilation without the taste of cocoa bean on the lips.   I could even stretch to understanding pasta. When the lights go out and the water trickles brown and fetid from the tap, sucking on dried macaroni is exactly what will save the soul from despair and inspire a chorus of Che Gelida Manina from the balconies.  

Storming Waterstones armed with pitchforks and buckets of local llama poo to demand a dozen copies of the latest top ten would be totally justified.   But TOILET PAPER.   You can't eat it, you can't drink it, there's nothing on it to read, covid 19 doesn't involve the squits.   I guess it could be utilised to write your memoirs during the dark days of isolation or compose haikus to doom and destruction.

The Continentals as usual have been a step ahead of us for generations, viva la bidet !!!  In 1970 95% of French bathrooms had one and in Italy most still do.   Simples !!   Ebay even do a portable that you fill with warm water from the tap and sit on the loo, a steal at fifteen quid.  Much more hygienic, no ongoing costs and no need to stockpile .  

But.... in the spirit of full disclosure, i admit to a mini hoard for the duration.  What are Jeni's non-negotiables? What consumables constitute the dividing line between existing and flourishing?  What will she need  to stay sustained if the dreaded covid 19 comes calling?  Food for the cat and fish obviously, good coffee, artisan bread, books and CHOCOLATE COVERED TURKISH DELIGHT !!!!   Rest assured she always has all the above in copious quantities even when doomsday isn't threatening.

What dear readers are your essential items